Head in Sphincter
by Abberz the Awesome
Summary: Artie gets angry and finally tells everyone EXACTLY how he feels about them. Rated T for a potty mouth and some references.


**A/N: For the few of you who follow my NCIS fanfiction, I have fallen in love with Glee, specifically Artie Abrams and Kevin McHale's voice (it's PERFECT), so I won't be writing any NCIS, probably for a while. For all you Gleeks, please welcome me with open arms to your part of the site!**

**NOTE: For the purposes of this story, Brittany and Artie are not going out.**

Angry Artie

When Artie Abrams got angry he became a hurricane, raining hell over the world. He lashed out and yelled and screamed, then became silent and sullen. His moods were contagious and spread to an entire room, making any glee practice a living hell.

But Artie Abrams was in a good mood today. That is, until glee practice. He had not been elbowed in the face by passerby's once. He didn't get stuck in any lockers, and he didn't walk in on Tina and Mike making out once. But as soon as he arrived in the glee room, something irked him. There was Quinn on one side of the room, glaring at Finn, Puck, and Sam, all at the same time. The glared back.

He wheeled up to Mercedes. "Fill me in gal."

She whispered back. "Quinn cheated on Sam with Finn. Sam broke it off with her. Now dating Finn, but they're having some sort of fight. Rachel pissed off. Puck still the father of her child and in love with Lauren Zizes. Kurt still gay. Asian fusion still going strong. Something going on between Brittany and Santana. Me and you still single agents."

She sighed.

Artie nodded and braked his wheels, sneaking glances at Quinn.

And then all hell broke looses.

"Mr. Shuester, I have an announcement to make." He nodded. Rachel flounced up to the front of the room and straightened her skirt.

"I belive that we should straighten the tension in the room by each sharing our opinion on the relationship crisis that can only be described as one like that of a soap opera."

Glances went around the room. Heads were shaken indifferently. Somebody coughed.

"That's splendid. I'll start. I think this all happened because Quinn got pregnant by cheating on Finn. She was selfish."

She smiled brightly and sat back down. Silence. Quinn got up.

"I think this all happened because Puckerman over there doesn't know how to use a condom and Rachel doesn't know when to keep her hands off what isn't hers."

She also sat down and Puck just lifted his hands in surrender before putting them down with his "I'm-a-badass-everyone-bow-down-to-me" look.

Sam awkwardly shuffled to the front of the room. "I hate Quinn and Finn, and… ah… I think Santana hates me."

Finn got up next. "I think that… ummm… this was Jesse St. James's fault. His... ahhh… hair always… uh… pissed me off."

His failed diplomacy did not surprise anyone.

Puck got up next. "I think the new kid needs to do something with his mouth and Beiber hair apnd Lauren needs to stop playing hard to get."

Lauren stood up. "Puckerman needs to learn how to woo a woman without sex."

Kurt and Mercedes stood up and simultaneously spoke.

"We need to be loved."

They hugged and sat down blubbering. Artie rolled his eyes. Drama queens.

Brittany and Santana stood up together. Santana started. "You all need to get your head out of your asses. True love doesn't exist. Only friendship does."

She linked fingers with Brittany, who blankly smiled.

"My little brother bit one of the boobies off my Barbie doll last night. He said it tasted good, so I tried it on another doll. It did, so now all my Barbies don't have boobies anymore."

Awkward silence filled the room. It always does when Brittany speaks.

Tina and Mike stood up, smiling with their hands connected. "We don't know why you all have so many issues. You all just need to find love and keep it."

Tina added, "Mike is my one and only love." They kissed and bile rose in Artie's throat.

The room expectantly looked at Artie, who was the only one who hadn't spoken yet. He unlocked his wheels and positioned himself at the front of the room, facing everyone.

Artie Abrams is good at ranting.

"I think that you all have a classic case of head in sphincter syndrome. You know what a sphincter is? It's that muscle in your butt that holds all the shit inside your body. Your heads are so far up your sphincter that all you do is inhale shit. Rachel…"

He paused, looking at her.

"Keep your paws off other people's men. Nobody digs it, and it makes you look like a whore."

Rachel got a hurt look on her face. Artie kept going.

"And then there's Quinn. Our perfect little Christian girl, who made a 'mistake'." Sarcasm dripped off his voice. "Quinn, you cheated on your boyfriend then acted like the victim. You seemed nice for the rest of the year. This year you went right back to being head bitch on campus. And cheated on your boyfriend again. You can't have all of them at once, and your certainly not getting my vote for prom queen."

Quinn looked down at her hands.

"And our little mohawk badass, Noah Ezekiel Puckerman. You sleep with almost every girl in school and think you can get Lauren Zizes. By the way, I may be white and nerdy, but I am totally more badass than you."

Puck silently lifted his middle finger up and mouthed some obscenities.

"Lauren, I kinda like you. Just stop leading Puck on. We all know you want him. It's getting old now."

He took a breath. "Finn, you need to get a clue and grow some balls. Stop letting all these girls weigh you down. Sam, get something surgically done to your mouth. It's really creepy. And stop dating Santana. She and Brittany got it on last night."

He looked over pointedly at the cheerleaders' entwined hands.

"Kurt, ask that gay guy from Dalton out. He loves you. Mercedes. Quit bitching. Matt Rutherford has asked you out every day since he moved to a town twenty minutes from here and you keep saying no, even though I have heard you say to Kurt you think he's hot."

The both looked at their feet.

"Santana. I like the way you think. But you and Brit are way more than friends."

She pretended not to hear.

"Brittany, Brittany…?"

She looked up. "What?"

"Talking to you is like talking to a toddler."

She smiled and began to mime the itsy-bitsy spider song.

"And finally we have our Asian fusion. Mike, Tina and I officially broke up on August 5th. Asian Camp was in June and July. You were a third man."

He looked at Tina, shocked.

"Tina, you lied to every single person in this room. Mike is not the first boy you loved, and he is not the first boy to love you. Remember that night?"

She looked down at her hands, ashamed.

"But don't worry. I don't love you anymore. So be happy with you perfect Asian man with rock hard abs."

He rolled out of the room and made it ten feet before turning around and poking his head through the doorframe.

"And that, Rachel Berry, is how you do a proper stormout."

He didn't stick around to see their facial expressions.


End file.
